I snapped at a friend yesterday as we were exiting our Uber to go hiking. Looking back, the explosion was inevitable—but it didn’t have to happen that way.
Two of my friends had been getting along incredibly well during our trip. I was genuinely happy to see them connecting. However, after a couple of days, something shifted. I couldn’t pinpoint the exact moments, but I stopped feeling like I was with friends. That fundamental appreciation for someone’s presence—the thing I equate with real friendship—seemed to have evaporated.
On multiple occasions, they made me feel stupid, and the other would laugh along.
The Breaking Point
On the third day, I accidentally posted an Instagram Story and tagged everyone except one friend—genuinely just not thinking about it because she was right there with me. It was absentminded, but a genuine mistake.
Her response was sharp and annoyed. If I were in her shoes, my reaction would have been something like, “Hey, you forgot to tag me!” I’d expect a quick “Oh shit, sorry!” in return. We’d delete it, redo it, and move on. No problem.
Instead, her response felt like an attack. I said to both of them: “Okay, that’s enough picking on me.”
Her reply: “Well, maybe you shouldn’t make yourself such an easy target!”
I was livid. She was right—I had been a bit foolish. But that didn’t make her response acceptable between friends. I paid the driver, got out, and essentially told them both off before walking away.
Later, after cooling down, we met up with some other travelers. Both friends complimented me several times throughout the evening. It was nice, but it felt like pity.
What Actually Happened?
I’ve spent time reflecting on this, and I’ve identified a few things:
First, I don’t speak up for myself strongly enough. I know I’m too accommodating. When I have an opinion or want something, I don’t advocate for it—I yield to the group. This is a hedge against myself, and it doesn’t serve me. It’s rooted in people-pleasing behavior and, frankly, in the “expedition behavior” training I received as an outdoor guide, where group harmony often trumps individual needs.
Second, I lost sight of what friendship should feel like. Your friends should lift you up, not pull you down. They should energize you, not exhaust you. If it’s anything else, what’s the point?
Later that night, I apologized for snapping. I regret that apology now, because I feel my anger was justified. She didn’t apologize. She didn’t ask what had led to my outburst.
My Part in This
I contributed to the dynamic too, and I need to own that.
It’s possible I get too excited about new people. I find novelty interesting, and I’m much better at establishing new, shallower friendships than I am at deepening existing ones. I show more interest in new friends than in the ongoing lives of old friends. I’m not entirely sure why I do this, but it’s possible it rubs long-term friends the wrong way—and they may respond by brushing me aside when presented with newer, shinier options.
Moving Forward
Here’s what I’m taking away from this experience:
When you’re with two other friends, the way you treat one is very obvious to the other. Be aware of this dynamic. If you’re lavishing attention on the new connection, the old friend notices. It creates an imbalance that can breed resentment.
Speak up earlier, before you explode. The moment I started feeling dismissed or mocked, I should have said something. A simple “Hey, that actually hurt my feelings” or “I don’t appreciate being the butt of the joke” would have been far more effective than bottling it up until I detonated.
Not all friendships are meant to travel well together. Sometimes people who work great in one context don’t mesh in another. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean the friendship is worthless—it just means you need to be intentional about how and when you spend time together.
Trust your gut about how friendship should feel. If it consistently feels like a drain rather than a boost, something needs to change—either in how you’re showing up, how they’re showing up, or whether you continue showing up at all.
Friendship isn’t supposed to be this hard. And when it is, it’s worth examining why.
Claude is AI and can make mistakes.
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Sonnet 4.5